How do I love thee?

My brother sent me an email this morning with a link to a short YouTube excerpt of an address by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: "How do I love thee?" As soon as I saw the title, a flood of memories came back to me. Second semester freshman year at BYU. Eighteen years old. Sitting with my roommate, Amber, in the Marriott Center. Frantically scribbling down as much of Elder Holland's message as I could... because he was giving that speech TO ME. FOR ME.

These words, in particular, pierced straight into my heart and soul:

"In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, who is constantly critical of you, who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor. Life is tough enough without having the person who is supposed to love you leading the assault on your self-esteem, your sense of dignity, your confidence, and your joy. In this person's care you deserve to feel physically safe and emotionally secure.

"Members of the First Presidency have taught that 'any form of physical or mental abuse to any woman is not worthy of any priesthood holder' and that no 'man who holds the priesthood of God [should] abuse his wife in any way, [or] demean or injure or take undue advantage of [any] woman'--and that includes friends, dates, sweethearts, and fiancées, to say nothing of wives (James E. Faust, "The Highest Place of Honor," Ensign, May 1988, 37, and Gordon B. Hinckley, "Reach Out in Love and Kindness," Ensign, November 1982, 77)."

Elder Holland's words changed the course and direction of my life. Within a few days, I had ended a pain-filled relationship, and the release and peace and freedom I felt were overwhelming. Elder Holland reminded me that I deserved better. That I was a beloved daughter of God, and He wanted me to be treated with respect and true Christ-like love. About a year and a half later, I married the most Christ-like man I'd ever known. And I give Elder Holland (through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit) a large portion of the credit for putting my feet in that direction.

When I think back on that day in 2000, I often ponder how I will give my own daughters that same vision that Elder Holland gave to me. How can I help them to understand that they do not need to waste one moment with someone who disrespects them emotionally or physically? I guess it's my hope that I will be able to infuse that message into every fiber of their beings starting now. So that if ever a date or boyfriend belittles something they hold sacred, they won't waste a moment before they walk away from him forever. Because they will know at their very core that they can find someone better. That they deserve better. That's my hope.

I Love This!!!!

This is amazing. I am so grateful to know that the Lord is at the helm. He knows all things and knows what needs to happen. He will protect us as we follow His plan. He has a plan and we can rest assure that He will give us direction and hope as we press forward in each of our lives.
If you want to, you can read more about this
talk that Elder Neal A. Maxwell gave.

You needed an uplift, right?

Angels Among Us

What an amazing conference weekend! I feel so full and inspired. But I specifically want to mention Elder Holland's talk about angels. He spoke with power about the angels--seen and unseen, immortal and mortal--who are always among us, helping us. I can add my own testimony to his that this is absolutely true.

I have been struggling lately with a concern for which I have desperately wanted an answer. I asked the Lord, prior to the start of conference, to help me find the answers I needed through the messages that would be shared. This afternoon, between sessions, the Holy Spirit reminded me of an experience that put all my worries to rest. That experience involved an earthly angel who spoke peace to my heart at a pivotal moment in my life. Then my mind reflected back on a number of other similar experiences where the Lord used messengers to teach, reassure, and comfort me in ways I can never forget.

I can never forget the young man I crossed paths with at the Cannon Center one Sunday during my freshman year at BYU. I cannot remember his name, and I cannot tell you for certain whether he was even mortal. Our conversation led me to believe that he may have been a literal angel. We began talking as we waited in line to get our lunch and then shared a table for the meal. I found myself sharing some personal problems and trials with him. And he spoke to me with a wisdom and understanding I can only attribute to the power of the Holy Spirit. He urged me: "Never settle for anything less than what you've always dreamed of." This and other advice led me to make a significant change in my life for the better, and I will never, ever forget this experience. I know the Lord spoke to me through a kind messenger that day.

I can never forget an experience in the Provo temple later that same year. I had gone to do baptisms for the dead with a dear friend, and, while I waited for my friend after we had finished, I sat on a bench reading the scriptures. As we headed to leave, a male temple worker approached me and said, "Thank you for sitting and reading. You have such a worthy spirit about you." Only God knew just how much I needed to hear those very words that day. An outsider may have thought it was a strange thing to say to someone, but, to me, it felt like a love note straight from God. I'm so grateful that kind man was in-tune that day.

I can never forget the first Sunday after I got married. My new husband and I attended sacrament meeting at a ward in Manti, UT. After the meeting, we contemplated leaving early to head to the next stop on our honeymoon trip. Instead, we decided to stay for the remainder of the church meetings. I am so glad we did. As I sat in Relief Society, the friendly older sister next to me reached out to me. We talked a bit, and I mentioned that I was on my honeymoon. As the meeting ended and we were parting, she told me that she "knew everything was going to be great for us." She did not know the aches and troubles in my heart, but God did. And I knew He had inspired that woman to speak those very words to me.

I can never forget Sister Dautel. She was a Sister Missionary at the St. George Temple visitor's center. My husband and I had planned to do a session at the St. George Temple during our honeymoon trip, but, when we arrived at the temple, it was closed for cleaning. We were disappointed, but we decided to head over to the visitor's center. We were greeted by a tiny elderly sister with a German accent. She took us under her wing, showed us every wonderful thing there was to see at the visitor's center, and, as we stood before the Christus statue, she spoke of her early marriage and the testimony she had gained of the blessing of tithing, that if we would always pay our tithing, we would always be taken care of. She radiated the most loving spirit. Her eyes were full of compassion and kindness. She encouraged us and filled us with hope for our marriage and our future. It was a beautiful tender mercy that we met Sister Dautel that day. She was an angel.

I can never forget the afternoon that we signed the papers for the mortgage of our home. After the piles and piles of paperwork had been completed, we stood in the entry of the mortgage office chatting with our loan officers. One was an older gentleman with a strong Utah accent named Dale. He radiated warmth and love. He spoke so kindly to us. I don't remember everything he said, but I do remember the Spirit I felt as he spoke. He said how great everything was going to be for us. And I didn't even want to leave because of the way I felt around him. At the time, I just thought what a kind man he was. But, as the Lord has reminded me of that experience, I have felt impressed that the Lord was using Dale to assure us that we were making the right decision to purchase our home. I am so grateful for Dale's warm and loving Spirit that afternoon.

So many angels have touched and blessed my life. I couldn't even begin to relate them all. I know the Lord loves me. I can never doubt it. I am so grateful for the wonderful men and women, many of them strangers, who have been in-tune enough to be instruments in God's hand to tenderly bring me peace and comfort. I loved Elder Uchtdorf's words in the General Relief Society broadcast--while the number of prayers we pray is important, the number of prayers we answer is of even greater importance. I want to be "more angelic" as Elder Holland urged. I want to be an instrument to answer the prayers of others--be they friends or strangers. I hope I already have.

I Delight !!!!!

I delight in the many miracles and tender mercies of my God. It is amazing to me when I recognize the Lord’s tender mercies and miracles that have occurred that I did not recognize at the moment of even not until I look back. So many times He has blessed me.
Such is what has happened for me this past week.
I have had some real health problems I have struggled with for many years. I have prayed and prayed, fasted, received priesthood blessings and made some big changes in my lifestyle. These things I did in my earnest desire to ask for & receive blessings I desired. I studied and studied searching for the path I needed to follow in asking for these blessings. Some scriptures that I love and have helped me are:
Jarom 1:11 “Wherefore the prophets, and the priests, and the teachers, did labor diligently, exhorting with all long-suffering the people to diligence; teaching the law of Moses, and the intent for which it was given; persuading them to look forward unto the Messiah, and believe in him to come as though he already was. And after this manner did they teach them.”
Mosiah 3:13: “And the Lord God hath sent his holy prophets among all the children of men, to declare theses things to every kindred, nation, and tongue, that thereby whosoever should believe that Christ should come, the same might receive a remission of their sins, and rejoice with exceedingly great joy, even as though he had already come among them.”What stuck out to me was: “and believe in him to come as though he already was” & “rejoice with exceedingly great joy, even as though he had already come among them.”
There are several messages in these 2 scriptures:
but what stood out to me was that they were to believe and rejoice as if it had already happened. I have found that principle applies in my life. I recognized that I needed to thank the Lord in advance for the blessings I was desiring as if I had already received them. As I have tried to do this – amazing things have happened.
This past week a huge health problem took a big turn around for me. It has not totally resolved all the way, but it is close. I was so excited when I recognized the blessing. And all I could do was to thank my God & my Savior for their blessing and help for me. I truly felt like dancing and shouting HURRAY!!! I know and felt He was very much aware of me and my situation. I have felt and heard His promptings along the way that have led me to this spot.
There is still more to learn and more to see. I have learned that I need to thank Him in everything in my life – even my trials and hardships. Even my health problems. This particular problem has allowed me to learn many things that have made a difference in my life – a good difference. I don’t think I could learn these things without this adversity in my life. And so – I express my most humble gratitude for Him. I thank Him so much for this health trial. I thank Him that I am still working on this particular problem. I thank Him for the turn around this issue has taken and the hope and increased faith that has occurred for me.
How can I ever thank Him enough? What could I ever do? All I can do is to thank Him, live as He wants me to and continue to thank Him in all things – all things. He is my everything. He loves me and is concerned for me. I sometimes fret & worry (which actually accomplishes nothing). And I am learning that He teaches me the things I need to learn through the experiences that I have in my life. As I express gratitude for “everything” and “every experience” I have, I will learn and recognize the great blessings He has in store for me.
I want to arrive on the other side of these trials and experiences stronger and more determined to serve Him and live as He desires of me. I want to be the instrument in His hands that He needs to accomplish His great work. I want to delight in the blessings and I want Him to delight in me. I know that I can and I will.

Mini-miracle

Today I'm thankful for mini-miracles. Maybe that's the wrong way to describe them? All miracles are marvelous, no matter how small, right? But, back to the point...

Yesterday our downstairs air conditioner decided to quit working. Because we live in the desert, air conditioning is almost essential. And we really don't have the money to pay for a/c repairs right now. So it was causing us some stress.

My husband fiddled with the thermostat and looked at the a/c unit a bit (not really knowing what to look for or do, but just wanting to do something). Then we did the only thing we knew how to do... we knelt down as a family and prayed. We asked the Lord to help our air conditioner to start working again and to help us to know what to do.

Then we moved on with faith in our hearts that it would work out somehow. We ate dinner downstairs in the heat and then headed up to the cooler air upstairs to play some games. Later in the evening, when we went back downstairs, we noticed that the air seemed cooler than it had before. At first I just assumed it had cooled-off because of the cooler night air. But then I thought for sure there was cool-ish air coming from the a/c vent. Sure enough, when my husband went outside to check, both of the units were working again!

We both looked heavenward and said, "Thank you!"

God is so good to us! Miracles do happen! Isn't it wonderful?!

P.S. It turns out that the a/c isn't trouble-free. It has stopped working for a few hours over the past few days. But at least it hasn't given out completely! And the heat hasn't been too unbearable. It was still a little miracle in my mind regardless. :-)

What I really needed

Monday was a bad day. Not because of anything that happened but just because of how I felt. All day long I was plagued with negative thoughts and feelings. All day long I found myself on the verge of tears. Then my husband came home, and I fell apart at the seams, blubbering to him, "Will you please make dinner?" He readily got to work while I fled to my bedroom for some unbridled praying and sobbing.

Over and I over I pleaded to the Lord to help me understand why I was feeling that way... so lost and alone and unable to hear or feel the Spirit. I sobbed and prayed and sobbed and prayed. I opened up my scriptures looking for comfort, guidance, anything. I've always been able to find help in those sacred words. But I found nothing that night. I couldn't even find peace through music. Where was the Lord? Where was the Spirit? What was wrong with me?

Then I fell asleep.

And awhile later, I woke up. My two daughters had climbed onto my bed... hugging and kissing me, saying they loved me, and telling me my dinner was ready downstairs. Not to mention the dishes done, kitchen cleaned, and laundry in the works.

And I was me again.

I couldn't help but think of how Heavenly Father must have felt watching me sob and writhe in my agony. How many times have I listened to the miserable crying of my toddler when she has been beyond the point of tired and wanted to say to her, "Just go to sleep!" God knew exactly what I really needed on Monday. And, though I thought He had abandoned me, He was there all along. Probably shaking his head in loving pity and whispering to my soul, "Just go to sleep!"

He knows us so well. He loves us. He will never leave us alone.

Life's Adversities

President James E. Faust said:
"Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow and heartbreak for everyone. The thorns that prick the flesh, that hurt, often change lives. This change comes about through a refining process which seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master."

As I look back over my life I can honestly say that there have come very painful, despairing days. There have been many thorns that have pricked not only my flesh but my very soul. And the refining process has many times seemed cruel and hard and sometimes unending.

From my childhood thru now, the challenges have been many. Moving far from home, losing a child, serious health issues, concerns for children, husband who had cancer, very ill parents, job loses and the list could go on and on. It seems that we all have experiences that try us to our very core.

Isaiah 48:10: "Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction."

I understand that these experiences are for my best good. I have to thank God in all things in my life - even my very deepest sorrows. That can be a hard thing to do, especially when I am at my very deepest depths. At times I feel all alone with no where to turn. Yet, when I sit still (be still)I feel the Lord's great love for me and his warmth and tenderness fills me with renewed hope and faith that things will turn out OK. Many times He speaks to me through music, especially the hymns. I will wake up with a hymn in my head - a verse or a line or sometimes the entire hymn. Hymns like:
Where Can I Turn For Peace - "who, who can understand? He, only One."
Cast Thy Burden Upon the Lord - "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee."
Do What is Right - "Do what is right; be faithful & fearless, God will protect you; then do what is right!"
How Firm A Foundation - "He'll never, no never, no never forsake!"
Take Time to be Holy - "In joy or in sorrow, still follow thy Lord, And looking to Jesus, still trust in His word."
Sing Praise to Him - "With healing balm my soul He fills, And every faithless murmur still."

These are just a few of the hymns that have been sent as comforting reminders that the Lord indeed is very aware of me and the things I have struggled with.

All I can do is let my heart shout in grateful praise to Him. He has been with me always and has carried me many a time thru sticky slime to a safe and firm place. I have recognized that through all my adversities I can only give Him thanks and gratitude for the challenge, because they have led me to higher ground. My adversities have been the only way that I could have made the changes for better and learned more how to be like Him.

I have learned more and more that when I thank Him for everything, good or bad and for the experiences and lessons learned I am more aware of the great blessings He gives to me. I am grateful for Him and everything that He does for me. I am never alone. And I will meet each new adversity and challenge with a determination to thank Him for all things.

Answer To Prayer

The Lord will not make you bear more than he knows you can handle, but he sure will push you as close to that line as possible sometimes. Then, just when you think that you can't handle anymore of the storms, there is a break in the clouds. I had an experience this morning that really made this truth hit home for me. Unfortunately I am unable to share this experience right now, but I will as soon as it is appropriate for all parties involved.
I just want to bear my testimony, that I know that the Lord hears and answers our prayers. He is mindful of EVERY detail of our lives and circumstances. I know that he has a plan for each and every one of us, and that he will lead and guide us to where we need to be, if we listen to his promptings. I am so grateful for being a member of the Church, and having the Gospel in my life, and for being an Eternal family.
We all have storms that roll through our lives, but take comfort. If we are faithful the Lord will carry us through.

For the Beauty

And the night shall be filled with music,
And the cares that infest the day
Shall fold their tents like the Arabs
And as silently steal away.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (The Day Is Done)

A song made all the difference in the world to me one night. I was emotionally "on empty," exhausted, drained, irritable, unhappy, and nearing a breakdown. Then my wonderful husband came home and took the girls, and I locked myself in my room with my journal to work through my emotional mess. Before I started scribbling away, I hit play on the c.d. player next to my bed thinking it might help to listen to some soothing music. I know God is aware of me and knew exactly how to get through to me that night.

As I wrote my feelings in my journal, I suddenly stopped and turned my ear to listen to this song. It was like it reached out and slowed my hand, calmed my racing thoughts, and gently whispered in my ear the words I have sung so many times. I closed my eyes and breathed and listened and let the peace and comfort and healing balm of the Spirit wash over me. I have it on c.d., but here is a sample of the version I was listening to. And here are the words I was singing in my head with tears streaming down my face...

For the beauty of the earth,
For the beauty of the skies,
For the love which from our birth
Over and around us lies,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our hymn of grateful praise.

For the beauty of each hour
Of the day and of the night,
Hill and vale and tree and flower,
Sun and moon and stars of light,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our hymn of grateful praise.

For the joy of human love,
Brother, sister, parent, child,
Friends on earth, and friends above,
For all gentle thoughts and mild,
Lord of all to thee we raise
This our hymn of grateful praise.

(Text by Folliott S. Pierpoint)

Thank you, my dear, loving, patient, kind, all-knowing Father in Heaven.